My school proudly displays banners that say that our school is second in the nation. I wondered a couple things...What's keeping us from being #1 ? AND Who is our school 2nd in the nation to? As in, who is it catering to? What type of student is succeeding? Like other students attending higher education, I struggle. I struggle alot. Although I experience many wonderful interactions and meet many wonderful people , it is still inconsistent. How can it be that I run to some of my classes because I do not want to miss one second of learning. Feeling so excited and hungry to learn and then go to another making sure I stop by the bathroom before , breathe into a paper bag, and give myself a pep talk. I tell myself "you can do this"! Knowing damn well I cannot. The pit in my stomach that sits there for hours a day. To dread a class so much, to feel like nobody cares if I fail...well, I start to feel hopeless again and it is hard to contain my tears. it's hard to stay strong.
The feelings I felt as a little girl come back to haunt me. I have been asking myself,"what am I doing here"? Yes, I want to learn, yes I want to better myself and not just to better myself for me but to contribute something back to this world. I don't often boast about myself but I really think I have great things to offer this world but I need this education to do that. How could I ever think about helping others when I can't even help myself ???!!!
With all the research that has been done on students, how they learn, the outcomes for minoroties, the outcome for single mothers and higher education...why is it that colleges are not adapting to the needs of the students of today. The unprepared ( for college) student. There are many of us.
Doesn't a college pride itself on the success of their students? Isn't that the whole point? To succeed in our education so that we may become educated and productive citizens?
Why is it that some of us have to fight and struggle trying to hang on to the "golden ticket" we have been given and instead of having the experience and growth of a lifetime, we suffer. And for me I suffer in silence because I am too ashamed that I cannot keep up with my peers.
I saw the president of our school in the hallway the other day...I wanted to ask him if he knew what many of us go through trying succeed here. That I love my school yet I am feeling it slip through my fingers and if it does... what will happen to me? And how does he feel knowing that there are classes that students fear so much and to ask why?!? But...I didn't, I just said, "good morning" instead. I stopped myself because I thought "you are not going to be able to talk to a person of that level " "what are you thinking"! I actually believed this...why do I feel that way? I am sure he would've talked to me yet I have such low self-esteem right now I put a big road block up for myself. I did this because somewhere along the way I got the message that I am less than and somewhere along the way I started to believe it.
I know that every experience good and bad is a lesson. I try to take comfort in knowing that this experience was put into my life for a greater purpose and that I will recieve a wonderful life lesson in the end. I always learn alot about myself .
I find it strange at times that critical thinkining is talked about so much on campus yet there seems to be a lack of critical thinking in regards to why so many students(especially minorities) aren't making it and how those numbers be raised. So I think that before our school becomes #1 we need to look at student outcomes alot more! We need to talk about it, talk about it some more and then we need to take action. Can you imagine being known as the college that is responsible for the success of "at risk" students. Maybe even have the highest percentage of success with these students. Ones who other wise might not make it in higher education. That to me would be an exceptional school!
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